Dialing 1-800-SUE-THEIR-ASS Right Now!

While preparing to microwave a pizza for the kids the other night, I was alerted by a message on the package: “Danger: Contents may be hot after cooking.”

Whoa! Now let’s just wait a damn minute!

You mean after I put the pizza into a microwave because I want to, you know, heat it up, it might actually be, like, too freaking hot when its done?! Geddafuggouttahere!

This is no good. No good at all.

I demand more protection from the dangers of hot pizza for innocent working families. I don’t have time to take on even the tiniest of parental responsibilities by testing it with a finger before serving it to my kids. Is it so wrong to just want to heat up a pizza, sit my ass down on the couch, and watch Jerry Springer? And this week is either “Hookers Too Fugly To Make a Living” week or “Mom or Stripper – You Decide!” week!

The kids are OK with pulling a chair over to the microwave, leaning way over and standing on tip-toes, and pulling out a piping hot pizza. I should intervene … um, why, exactly? Besides, if the kids take a bite and the steam shoots up and ravages the roof of their mouths, causing second degree burns and leaving flesh hanging down, whose fault is that? Mine? No sir. Somebody must pay!

Where is the accountability? Huh? Where?

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