How Is It Even POSSIBLE To Go That Slow?

This morning, on my way to work, I got stuck behind some bitch going EXACTLY 30 m.p.h. in a 30 m.p.h. zone. Now, WTF is up with that? 30 doesn’t mean 30, it means 35, minimum. EVERYBODY knows that.

And she was driving a Mercedes Benz C230 Kompressor. Kompressor means “supercharger” in the German. Supercharger, as in “I’m a gas pedal, press me hard, and press me often!”

Not this Speedball Clucker. No sir. She’s going 30, and not a speck over. And she slowed down as I got closer.

She’s lucky I didn’t pull her over, make a citizen’s arrest for driving like an old lady, and impound her car. I could use a Mercedes Benz C230 Kompressor. Who couldn’t?

Apparently, she couldn’t.

And these people that drive like this always, ALWAYS drive with both hands firmly on the wheel, staring straight ahead, as if it requires every fiber of their brain and body to keep the car pointed in the right direction. Move just one finger off the wheel, and the car may go into a sideways skid, careen up on two wheels, and tip over. You just never know!

I always wonder what is going on in the brains of these people. Are they drunk? Stoned? Medicated into submission? Depressed? Asleep? Overly literal in their speed limit interpretation habits? Addled? Or just plain defiant and independent?

Who knows? All I know is, they are slow and in the way. And so, I must make merciless fun of them. It’s what I do.

  1. Cy said:

    It is good that you are able to laugh at your misogyny and irresponsible attitude to road safety in full admission of your error. This is the starting point of reinstatement. Now get to an abandoned airfield and smash yourself up. Musing in the hospital is the second stage. It was most unpleasent reading your piece. It was excellently shaming to me for all the speeding on the motorbike when I had it. I cannot think of anything else helpful to say. Good luck with the healing.

  2. Relax. It’s hyperbole. Perhaps you’ve heard of it.

  3. tony said:

    Maybe she recently received a DUI, or was transporting a pound of Marijuna? Just sayin. Perhaps she was putting on her make-up?

  4. Cy said:

    Yes I had heard of hyperbole. But your piece was so superbly done that I simply could not quite make up my mind whether you were expressing your true feelings whilst pretending to be pretending, or not. I suspected not, but could I take the chance? Could I miss the opportunity to get back at the boy-racers who zonk along with psychopathic disregard for men, ladies, children and babies? Never mind they were abused from birth and given no self-worth. Anyway, now I can pretend I also was kidding. Wait a minute, I was. (As far as I can remember.) Of course, many a true word is spoken in jest, or as a test. I have also heard of the Plateau of Patagonia and Hydrogen Sulphide. Ta very much for responding. again.

  5. In 30 years of driving, I’ve had a total of 3 tickets, and 2 very minor fender-benders at 5 mph.

    Apology accepted. Next time, have a big tall glass of Perhaps I Take Myself A Bit Too Seriously.