Commercials We Might See

(Announcer voice over):“Miguel Tejada! Last month, you were traded for five players to the Houston Astros! And the very next day, your name is in the Mitchell report to the commissioner! What are you going to do now?”

(Tejada): “Well I damn sure ain’t going to Disney World, if that’s what you’re asking! Don’t make me come over there! I’ll kick yo’ ass! I do steroids, and I can flip just like that! Whatchoo lookin’ at?! That’s what I thought.

(Announcer voice over):“Houston Astros GM Ed Wade! You just traded five players for a guy whose name appears, the very next day, in a really embarrassing report! He might get suspended! His performance has probably been inflated by illegal drug use! You got jobbed! Probably! You look pretty stupid right about now! What are you going to do now?”

(Wade): “Hey, if I was any good, do you think I’d be the GM of the Astros? Besides, we’ll find some way to choke. We always do. But at least we haven’t gone 99 years without winning, like that Chicago ballclub. They stink even worse than we do!”

(Announcer voice over):“Chicago Cubs GM Jim Hendry! You just got dissed! But he’s right! It’s been 99 years since your team won a World Series! It’s been 62 since you’ve even been IN a World Series! What are you going to do now?”

(Hendry): “I’m still on my Fukudome high. Don’t bother me. Say, his name wasn’t in the report, was it? ‘Cuz that would suck. Oh, well, it’s not my money! And really, 99 years, 100 years, 200 years, 1000 years … what’s the difference? Pretty tough to hide behind bad luck, with that record. Yeah, we’re talking world class futility and mismanagement. It’s not easy to suck that bad, for that long. But even if we win our division again, and even if we managed to win our league next year, it’s like … did you see the Red Sox in the World Series?! They annihilated the best team we could send them. So, hey, you know, whatevs! Hand me another beer!”

(Announcer voice over):“No can do! I’m just a disembodied voiceover guy! Who likes to use lots of unnatural enthusiasm! Get it yourself!! And you still need pitching!”

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