Those of us who watch our NFL action at home don’t get to see them very often, but there are mascots patrolling the sidelines at most of those games. Some of them are pretty cool; for instance, the Cardinals, the Bengals, the Falcons, these I can work with.
But some of them are either a) goofy looking for b) have goofy names, or c) both. I guess that’s part of their job, but there is a fine line between “cool, silly, and goofy” and “just plain goofy”. Here’s a list of “just plain goofy”.
- Edgar, Allan, and Poe (Ravens) – Edgar, Allan, and Poe? A literary reference? You’re kidding, right? OK, the team is named the Ravens, we get it. But still. When you need to dress up three dorks instead of just one, just to satisfy some “clever” name, it’s time to start over.
- T.D. (Dolphins) – Dolphins can’t wear helmets, and they don’t have shoulders, so shoulder pads don’t really work, either. And they don’t have legs, so the thing sticking out the back looks like a giant tail. Otherwise, perfect.
- Jaxson De Ville (Jaguars) – Name is dumb, costume is dumber. Jaxson is pretty bad ass, though; the NFL changed the rules for mascots because of his antics on the Steelers’ sideline a couple of years ago. And he claims to be the only NFL mascot to visit the troops overseas, so kudos for that. Still, dumb name, dumb costume, on the list you go!
- Roary (Lions) – More metrosexual than scary. What’s up with that mane? Primp much?
- Blue (Colts) – Who designs these masks? This is supposed to inspire fans?
- Sourdough Sam (49ers) – Sourdough? Are you kidding? It’s football, not a restaurant cook-off.
- Staley Da Bear (Bears) – Looks like a moron or a serial killer, possibly both. Little kids are scared of him. So am I. And in a world where pushing the envelope is the name of the game, he looks like they grabbed any random dude in a bear suit at a Halloween party and threw a jersey over him.
- Steely McBeam (Steelers) – Actually not that goofy, and even Steelers fans hate him, so maybe that means Steely is cool. I even like the name. But bad p.r. is better than no p.r. at all, so he goes on the list. There is even a blog devoted to how much the fans hate this dude.
- Gumbo (Saints) – a big dumb St. Bernard named “Gumbo” for a team called the Saints. Sure, why not?
- (Tie) Rowdy (Cowboys) and Viktor (Vikings) – A dork with dimples, and he delivers flowers on the side. Case closed. Viktor, meanwhile, like everything associated with the Vikings, including their website, is just lame. Looks like Hulk Hogan after 18 cups of coffee. And, he delivers Valentines.
- Miles (Broncos) – A horse, supposedly; looks more like a gay disco dancing alligator, to me.
- Boltman (Chargers) – Um, Mr. Boltman, what is that squarish yellow thing around your head? That supposed to be a lightning bolt? ‘Cuz it doesn’t look like one. Looks like a piece of plywood that you painted and then left out in the rain, before putting it around your head for some incomprehensible reason. Plus, the mask for the face is kinda dorky. Sorry.
- Blitz (Seahawks) – there’s a fine line between looking scary and looking stupid. A very fine line. Blitz is on the wrong side of it.
Special mention and kudos to the Rams, Packers, Bills, and Giants, who have no mascot at all, and the Jets, who use a real, live fan — a firefighter, no less — with a Jets jersey on.