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You, driving the SUV behind me, with the headlights that shine up into my car’s passenger space. Yeah, I’m talking to you.

I am really, REALLY starting to hate you.

You know why? Because your stupid f*cking SUV has stupid f*cking headlights that nearly blind me, that’s why. I’m just trying to drive around my town, taking my kids somewhere or going to the grocery store or some damn thing, and then suddenly, coming up behind me it’s HELLO! it’s super-duper bright headlights shining RIGHT into my eyes like that scene from Close Encounters of the Third Kind.

Do I need this shit? No I do not. I do not need this shit, my friend. I don’t need your headlights drilling into my eyeballs. I don’t need your dumbass $54,000 Cadillac Escalade – that weighs 7,000 ridiculous pounds and gets 11 mpg downhill with a tailwind – blasting my mirrors with halogen hell.

You think you’re impressing me with that thing? Wrong. I think you’re a moron who spent $54k for a truck with leather seats and fancy headlights. Way to go. Well done. People like you are lining the pockets of sales managers at car dealerships and executives at car companies, all of whom think YOU are dumb as a box of rocks for – guess what – spending $54K for a truck with leather seats and fancy headlights. But they also love you while they make fun of you, because the profit margins on those vehicles are literally insane, driven by insane demand from idiots exactly like YOU. For $54K, give or take a few thousand, you could buy any number of really, really nice cars, cars that are ten times better than anything on the streets in the 60s or 70s. Personally, I’d go for a BMW 540i, but if Lexus or Acura is more your style, there are plenty of choices there too. Power, convenience, luxury, reliability, fun to drive, you name it, it’s all in there.

But instead, you want a truck with leather seats and fancy headlights. That blind me. EVERY F*CKING DAY.

In over 35 years of driving I have never seen this problem as bad as it is now. I am not kidding. It must be something about living in the Chicago area. Luxury SUVs are everywhere around here, but whenever I drive anywhere else in the country, I see very few of these vehicles. Hmmm. Let me go out on a limb right here, and assert that a certain segment of the Chicago area is both impressed with their wealth and stupid enough to buy a truck with leather seats and fancy headlights. That gets 11 mpg and costs $100 or more to fill up every week. Noted.

Whatevs. Be as stupid as you like.

Just get your stupid f*cking SUV’s stupid f*cking headlights out of my eyes. Also, I hate you, and I hate your dog too.

Thanks.

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